10 When he couldn't find any agenerals,
11 Lincoln tried fighting the war with bidiots instead,
12 Including cMeade,
13 And dMcClellan,
14 And some others too,
15 Who all really wanted to be generals,
16 And wore very nice blue uniforms,
17 And spent lots and lots of money,
18 On nice blue uniforms for the union troops,
19 And on cannons and rifles and bullets and things,
20 Not to mention horses and wagons and tents and food,
21 And hundreds of blurry photographs,
22 And thousands of flags,
23 eAnd zillions of telegrams to the president explaining why the union army wasn't ready to fight yet.
CHAPTER 401 Eventually all this led to the Battle of Gettysburg,
2 Somehow,
3 And the union blue fought the confederate gray out in the middle of the Pennsylvania countryside for three days,
4 fArmed with the most modern and deadly weapons anyone had ever seen,
5 Which they fired at each other from point-blank range,
6 Until the fields of Gettysburg were covered with the bodies of thousands of gdead northerners,
7 And thousands of hdead southerners,
8 Which convinced iGeneral Pickett that the only way to top it all off,
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9 And be remembered forever,
10 Was to send all the troops the south had left on a desperate cavalry charge,
11 jStraight into the union artillery,
12 Just to see what would happen.
13 What happened was that the south lost fifteen thousand troops,
14 kIn about half an hour,
15 Bringing the total number of troops killed at Gettysburg up to an even lfifty thousand,
16 And ensuring the late General Pickett an honored place in Confederate history,
17 Forever.
CHAPTER 411 Everybody was pretty amazed and upset about how many soldiers had been killed at Gettysburg,
2 So Lincoln made a speech,
3 And told everybody that Fourscore and seven years ago,
4 Something,
5 And something else,
6 And these mhonored dead,
7 And all that,
8 Until everybody felt better,
9 Including Lincoln,
10 Because thanks to nGettysburg, he had finally figured out how to win the war.
CHAPTER 421 What oLincoln figured out at Gettysburg was that if you killed lots and lots of the enemy's troops,
2 And kept on doing it,
3 For a good long time,
4 Eventually, they'd have to surrender,
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