5 aBecause they'd run out of men.
6 When Lincoln explained this plan to his bgenerals,
7 They couldn't understand it,
8 And didn't like it,
9 And told him that the only general who'd buy a crazy plan like that was some worthless old drunk who didn't know any better,
10 And why didn't he just go back to the White House and nib out?
11 And so Lincoln found a worthless old drunk named cU.S. Grant,
12 And bought him a big bottle of whiskey,
13 And told him about the plan,
14 Which Grant liked so much that the president put him in charge of the union army,
15 Right then and there.
CHAPTER 431 The Civil War lasted a long time,
2 And involved hundreds of battles,
3 Which happened in hundreds of places that nobody knows where they are to this day,
4 dExcept southerners, of course,
5 And explains why every Yankee still gets a glazed and distant look in his eye when he hears names like Chickamauga,
6 And Shiloh,
7 And Manassas,
8 And the eWilderness,
9 fWhere he knows something sad and bloody and desperately heroic occurred,
10 Something terribly important to the history of his country,
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11 Which he would find deeply moving if he only knew what it was,
12 Except that he doesn't,
13 gAnd therefore has to look glazed and distant instead.
14 Anyway,
15 With so much history going on all over the place, hit's hard to pick out the really important things,
16 iAlthough there must have been some,
17 jOr nobody would remember the Civil War at all.
18 Of course, everybody remembers something different,
19 kWhich is what America is all about,
20 And explains why the Yanks are so great,
21 Unless it doesn't.
22 For example, the northerners remember that at some point, lAbraham Lincoln freed the slaves,
23 Which they think was pretty terrific,
24 And definitely worth remembering,
25 Because it made the southerners so furious.
26 Black people also used to think it was pretty terrific that mLincoln freed them,
27 Until they found out nhe didn't really mean it,
28 Or something,
29 Which made it a lot less memorable,
30 And a lot less important too,
31 oFor some reason.
32 On the other hand, even white southerners remember that pLincoln freed the slaves,
33 And just wish they didn't,
34 qBecause they'd much rather remember what the north did to the south after rGrant became the union commander,
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