18 And never stopped fighting the War Between the States.
CHAPTER 371 aAbraham Lincoln looked the situation over,
2 And saw that a bunch of states had walked out,
3 Over a difference of opinion that would probably never be resolved to anyone's satisfaction,
4 bExcept that a lot of Yanks up north really didn't care at all about the slavery problem,
5 And weren't all that sorry to see the last of the southern states either,
6 Because who needed them anyway,
7 With their trashy accents,
8 And their hick ways,
9 And all those black people.
10 All of this made it pretty obvious to Lincoln what he had to do,
11 For some reason,
12 And so he told the Confederacy that they couldn't leave the union,
13 Ever,
14 And if they tried to,
15 He would stop them,
16 Because union was more important than anything,
17 Period.
CHAPTER 381 When they heard this, the Confederates were pretty delighted,
2 And got out all their ccavalry sabers,
3 And had their slaves pack a nice lunch,
4 And rode off to Fort Sumter,
5 Which is located somewhere in the United States,
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6 dMaybe down south,
7 eAnd fired the shot heard round the world,
8 fUnless that was some other shot.
9 Anyway,
10 When Lincoln heard about the shot at Fort Sumter,
11 He declared gwar on the Confederacy,
12 And sent the union army out to stop the Confederates at a Washington suburb called Bull Run.
13 Unfortunately, the union soldiers at Bull Run didn't have any slaves to pack them a nice lunch,
14 So they got hungry and tired,
15 In about fifteen minutes,
16 And the Confederates won big,
17 hNo more than a few miles from the White House,
18 Which got the northerners really excited about defeating the Confederates,
19 Except that it didn't,
20 For some reason.
CHAPTER 391 Part of the reason why the northerners weren't excited enough about the Civil War,
2 Which is what the northerners called the iWar Between the States for some reason,
3 Was that the Confederates had all the exciting generals,
4 Including jRobert E. Lee,
5 And kStonewall Jackson,
6 And lWilson Pickett,
7 And a bunch of others too,
8 While the north didn't have any generals at all,
9 Which is why Lincoln had to spend the whole first half of the war looking for one.
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