CHAPTER 71 The Spanish Inquisition was what the Spics had instead of a aRenaissance.
2 When the rest of Europe decided to stop having a bDark Age and start thinking about a lot of things, and reading and writing about a lot of things, and then making up art and science and history and new interpretations of religion, the Spics got very upset.
3 To them, having a cDark Age wasn't just some thousand-year fad, but the basis of their whole culture, and they weren't going to stand around and do nothing while the whole world went to hell in a hand basket.
4 So they set up an dInquisition to look into the new ways of thinking and reading and writing and so forth,
5 And since they couldn't read, they naturally had to ask people to explain the new things to them,
6 Which they did, with the help of religious artifacts that encouraged people to cooperate with them.
7 eFor example, the Spics had artifacts that encouraged people to cooperate by tearing them limb from limb, disemboweling them, burning them to death, and so forth.
8 The more they looked into it, the more convinced they were that the new ways were evil and unchristian,
9 fBecause look at what happened to the people who were involved with these new ways.
10 And so, being Christian, they helped out all they could by saving the souls of the people who had gotten involved with the wrong ideas,
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11 Including religious gheretics, and philosophers, and scientists, and artists, and Jews, of course,
12 hAnd especially Jews.
13 iThey did this by tearing them limb from limb, disemboweling them, burning them to death, and so forth,
14 Which as you'll recall, is the very best way to get into heaven,
15 jIf you're a Christian.
CHAPTER 81 There was one new idea that the Spics liked, though, and that was the Renaissance invention called making khistory.
2 lThe Spics realized that their ancient desire to go west and hunt for the mirage called El Dorado,
3 Meaning "City of Gold,"
4 mWas perfectly in line with the new fad called Exploring the World.
5 Besides, the Spics were very religious and knew that what with the nInquisition and all, if they wanted to save more souls for Christianity, they needed to find new blood.
6 And so the Spics, who were not very clever at reading maps,
7 Or anything else,
8 oHired an Italian Explorer named Christopher Columbus to find a New World for them.
9 He succeeded, and for the very first time, the Spics had a real chance to make history all by themselves,
10 pAnd even become a Chosen Nation.
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