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5 a"Which predicts that everyone in the nation will experience some form of cancer,
6 "Within the next five years.
7 "The study was based on a sample of four laboratory rats,
8 "And is regarded as bconclusive by the scientific community.
9 "The HTN Evening News will provide a full report at six o'clock.
10 c"The Department of Defense reported today that there is now one nuclear warhead for every man, woman, and child on the face of the planet,
11 "Which means that in the event of all-out nuclear war, the earth itself would be vaporized into stardust: dHoagy Carmichael, where are you now that we need you?
12 "The eTitanic Furnace Corporation today announced that it is recalling all gas furnaces manufactured by the company in the last six months,
13 "Due to what a paid company liar calls 'a relatively significant likelihood of accidental explosion.'
14 f"The problem was attributed to cost-cutting measures necessitated by unfair foreign competition,
15 "And Titanic has announced plans to gsue the nation of hJapan for damages attendant to the quality problem.
16 i"The national leadership of the Association of the Semi-Skilled has called a nationwide strike to protest unfair labor practices by numerous public and private employers.
17 j"Specific citations of such practices include discriminatory literacy requirements for file clerks,
18 k"Discriminatory hygiene requirements for hospital and nursing home orderlies,
19 "And discriminatory licensing requirements for school bus and ambulance drivers.
20 "A spokesperson for the country's largest civil rights organization issued a statement today announcing that a certain race,
21 "Formerly known as the 'Negro Race,' and the 'Afro-American Race,' and 'People of Black Persuasion,'
22 l"Shall henceforth be called the 'Superior Race,' in order to compensate for the four-hundred year period when all names for a certain race were closet synonyms for the 'Inferior Race.'
23 m"Asked how long this name would be used, the spokesperson said that four hundred years ought to just about do it, provided that demands are met for the immediate disbursement of 25 percent of the country's gross national product to members of the Superior Race, as befits their new status. We'll have further details on this story at six o'clock.
24 "In other news,
25 n"Here's a bloody spot on Highway 67 where a tractor trailer crushed a station wagon and an entire family much like yourso,
26 "And here's a bloody spot in the hall where an old lady much like your own mother opened her door to a deranged killer—much like the ones living in your neighborhood—who crushed her skull with his hobnailed bootsp,