Previous Table of Contents Next
9 Not to mention his awful movie about aVietnam, called the 'Olive Drab Berets,' which will be all about how this is just another little war that the Americans have to win on behalf of all the little people who want to be free and democratic,
10 bWhich is nothing more than one long string of lies and jingoistic excrement, from beginning to end,
11 And so they will elevate a new kind of film protagonist,
12 Played by cClint Westwood,
13 Who will replace John Wayne as the symbol of the American hero,
14 Including western heroes,
15 dWhich will make a fistful of dollars for Clint,
16 eAnd maybe even a few dollars more than that.

1 For example, Clint will make a western called 'The Bad, the Worst, and the In-Between,'
2 fWhich will be all about the kinds of men who really won the west,
3 Such as the Worst,
4 Played by gLee Van Cleave,
5 Who kills almost everyone he meets,
6 Just for fun,
7 hWhile searching for a couple hundred thousand dollars in stolen gold,
8 Which is a much more realistic kind of character than you'll ever see in a iJohn Ford western.
9 The better-than-average mercenary who has to deal with the Worst is played by Clint Westwood, of course,
10 Who is much nicer than the Worst because he doesn't always kill everyone he meets,
11 Unless they ask him what his name is,
12 Or look at him the wrong way,
13 Or say something insulting to his jmule,
14 Or accidentally get between Clint and all that stolen gold,
15 In which case all bets are off,
16 And he has no choice but to kill them,
17 Because after all,
18 kThis is the wild west.
19 And then there's the In-Between,
20 Played by lEli Wallet,
21 Who is better than the Worst because he doesn't always mlaugh fiendishly when he shoots someone in the back,
22 nAnd is better at small talk too,
23 Which is important,
24 Because Clint never talks at all,
25 Like all real western heroes,
26 Which maybe explains why it will take Hollywood this long to do the west the way it really was.

1 Thanks to Clint, it will become possible to make movies about other parts of western history,
2 Like Custer's Last Stand,
3 oWhich will be done in a movie called 'Little Big Nose,'
4 pWith a brand-new star named Dustin Hopeless in the title role,
5 Who is the world's oldest white Indian,