2 aWith the help of bCommodore Perry,
3 Who convinced the Nips that Yanks were nice guys,
4 And even if they weren't all that nice,
5 cThey had bigger guns than any of the little Oriental monkeys had,
6 dWhich explains why the Yanks and the Nips got to be such great friends over the years.
7 eThe Yanks also tagged along with the Brits when the British Empire decided to open up China,
8 fBecause the Yanks had gotten a lot of practice dealing with Chinks when they bought a bunch of them to build the transcontinental railroad a few years back,
9 gWhich meant the Yanks might be useful if the Brits had any race relations problems,
10 Even though the Brits never had any race relations problems,
11 hSince the only race the Brits thought had any rights at all was the Brit race,
12 Which made everything very simple.
13 When they saw that the Brits didn't really want their help,
14 The Yanks tried a little freelance icolonizing,
15 And rescued the jPhilippines from the Spanish,
16 Which was getting to be kind of a habit,
17 kSince the Yanks had already rescued Texas and California and Florida and other places from the Spics,
18 And had the whole procedure pretty well figured out,
19 lIncluding the rescue of Cuba,
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20 Which always seems to need rescuing,
21 For some reason.
CHAPTER 601 All this foreign adventuring made Teddy Roosevelt famous,
2 Because he was a Rough Rider and had helped whip the Spics,
3 mAt San Juan Hill,
4 Which was Spanish,
5 And had to be captured at all costs,
6 nBecause the Spanish had treacherously sunk a Yank ship called the Maine,
7 Which wasn't too smart,
8 oAs their Spic cousins in Mexico could have told them,
9 Because whenever you do something to the Yanks,
10 No matter how good your reasons might be,
11 The Yanks will remember it,
12 And get even,
13 If it's the last thing they ever do,
14 pBecause that's the American Way.
15 And so the Yanks remembered the Maine,
16 qJust like they remembered the Alamo,
17 rAnd sTeddy Roosevelt and the tRough Riders charged right up San Juan Hill and captured it,
18 Wherever it was,
19 Which nobody quite remembers,
20 Which doesn't matter anyway,
21 uBecause it was a glorious moment in Yank history and made Teddy Roosevelt a national hero,
22 Which explains why vTeddy was vice president of the country when wPresident Guiteau got shot,
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